I’m anxiously awaiting a fresh coat of snow set to arrive this weekend. I have discovered that snow sparks something in me, causes me to be more optimistic and full of hope, as if snow signals a fresh start or a birth of something new. I have had a lot of time to myself these last few months, time to think and to wonder about my future. I realized yesterday that God is still making me into something new, He is changing continually how I see and do things. When I stopped working in July, due to needing a period of rest while undergoing infertility treatments and considering staying home and doing adoption or foster care full time, I realized that I don’t “do” anything anymore. When people asked what I “do” I found myself replying, “nothing at the moment”. And my pride has most definitely taken a hit by this. Who am I? What do I do? What am I contributing? Will I ever become anything? God has shown me that our lives are not really about what we “do”, or how we make money. It’s more about how we live with Him. Simplicity in Grace is what I am so desperately after. How to live a life full of joy in Christ without the expectations of the world causing me to feel guilt or defining what I do or where I go. I can live without extra things, but I can’t live without hope in Christ. I’m in a period of waiting as I go through two more months of hormone treatments…our last try at this. I am hopeful about adoption. But for now, in these months of hoping and yet trying so hard not to get my hopes up, I am banking on God’s gifts of beauty in this season to find joy in the present. I needed the snow that came last weekend to light something in my soul, to remind me that there are still light and beautiful things and that God is strong enough to carry all of our heavy things. Last month I did a Facebook Live series on Thanksgiving and Infertility, searching for things we can be honestly thankful for. And this month I’m searching for things that can bring us joy. For the next 10 days I will be posting here and on my Instagram account handwashedingrace about that, because I need to see joy more clearly. I don’t know exactly what is ahead for me, but I know with all my soul that God has planted joy just waiting to be found.
A Fellow Grace Wanderer