The Return of Autumnal Grace: A Season of Home

Come, thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. – Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Robert Robinson

Last autumn I felt like everything was slowing down. It was as if for a brief moment time was standing still and I was caught up in the autumnal beauty of it all. Life felt hard, but standing beneath the towering trees with their aged wisdom and their twirling crowns of golden leaves swirling to the ground felt like peace.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

I feel God the strongest in these autumn months, and each year as September comes to a close I hear the refrain of Come Thou Fount reverberating in my head. Thanksgiving is coming, and the golden hue of the changing physical world around me reminds me of that.

October brings with it pumpkins, and cider, and cooler weather, and memories. I think it’s true that if you search the dorm rooms and the apartments and the houses of my sisters and me you will find warmth and a reflection of what our Mama used to create for us every fall, a safe home even when the world outside was crumbling.


And so when my kitchen suddenly begins to turn out pies and pumpkin seasoned everything, and the flannel sheets make their way to our beds, and the candles that smell like cinnamon and leaves begin to appear on our tables…it’s not so much a reflection of our consumerism as it is a reflection of what we know…a reflection of when we most felt at home.

When I stand beneath the towering trees of autumn, with their limbs spread out as strong arms carrying gifts of red and gold, I feel like I do in my Mama’s kitchen, at home. Except the home that I feel beneath those trees is something more spiritual. It’s where I can hear God’s voice again and it’s where all the hymns of Thanksgiving from my youth begin to pour from my heart.


For most, I think maybe January or maybe the spring season brings that feeling of starting over, but for me it always begins again in October. I grew up in a liturgical church and I often wonder if I feel this way because it is when the church calendar really begins to start up after the long break of summer. Our hearts are beginning to prepare for the season of Reformation, and then Thanksgiving, and then Advent. These are the seasons which breathe life into my bones, and when I think it feels most like Heaven will to me, my Spiritual Home.

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 Corinthians 5: 1

I tell you this today because for me October means the chance to refocus myself on the presence of God, to be renewed in thankfulness, and to be reminded of His deep Grace for us and His overwhelming desire to be with us.

Every hard thing in our life is like a season, some lasting longer than others. Each of these seasons bring change, but each one also carries its own unique kind of beauty. By the end of this autumn you can be sure that I will feel anxious for those first flakes of snow to fall, to move on from what I thought I wanted to dwell in forever.

Oh to Grace, how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love; here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above. – Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Robert Robinson

Soak in what you can, what beauty and grace and what remnants of home each season in life offers. They will only last a little while, and if we’re not careful to slow down and see the moments of Grace we might miss them.

 

 

 

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Autumn of Hope: Grace after Pain


I’ve been quiet here on the blog for quite awhile now. I’ve been learning this new balancing act between hopeful expectation and hope deferred. For the first autumn since  2014 we are hopeful that our family might grow soon, through adoption. Infertility feels like a ghost, constantly haunting my memories and sometimes stirring up fear and sadness in my heart, but mostly it holds a more numbed and dull effect on my heart these days. Adoption has my attention at the moment. The hope that someday, somewhere, out of all of this pain and all of this waiting, God will cause our hearts to come together with the heart of a Birth Mama and out of both of our hard places will come grace and hope for the new child that God has ushered into this world.

The leaves have almost fully changed at our house and right now I’m sitting by the open window listening to the crumpled and colored leftover remnants of summer rustling their way down the street. And things just feel different. I’m excited for this new season. I’m hopeful for what each new season will bring. I know that with every season that passes we are that much closer to meeting the one that God created us to embrace into our family. Instead of feeling despair, as in years past, that each new season meant one more season behind us in our infertility.


Adoption is not a cure for infertility. Every book on adoption will tell you that. It won’t fill those holes in your heart that were torn open wide by the scraping edges of infertility treatments or tear filled nights or near breakdowns over the sight of yet another negative pregnancy test. It’s just that at this point I know what can undo me. Just this past week I had the flu which was suspiciously timed and so I took one of those cursed tests because I knew the doctor’s office would ask if I had, and even though I knew deep down in my heart it wouldn’t turn positive, I was still reduced to tears and heartbreak when I saw it lying there negative. And yet. I still have hope that even though motherhood isn’t coming to me in the way I thought it would, it will still come to me in the way that God always knew it would.

I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. Genesis 9:15-16

He has written my name on the palms of His hands. He has seen my story. He has designed my testimony. And not only mine, but also my husband’s and our someday Birth Mama and our future child’s. He knows all of us. And He is at work intertwining it all, using what hurt us to become what frees us. Turning the flood gate of our tears into the washing waters of new life.

He doesn’t hurt us. That’s not what God does. God heals us. So many times I had forgotten that. I had believed deep in my soul that God had planned for me to go through infertility, but what I hadn’t realized was that infertility was never part of His plan. He loves us too much for that. Infertility wasn’t part of His plan, but He did plan how He would love us through it. He did plan how He would heal our hearts. He did plan how He would turn our stories around. He offered us opportunities for Grace and then He opened the doors wide open so that we could step through them and receive that Grace. Pain isn’t part of the plan, but His healing is.


This autumn, with its golden fallen leaves and its deep ripe harvest, once again has me looking up to my Father God. Last autumn I felt Him calling me to look up too, but then I think it was so that I could find the air to breathe and rest in Him from all that was taking place. This year, the looking up feels more like joyful anticipation and peace. Peace that God reigns. Peace that God can heal broken hearts, and that He has begun the healing in mine. Peace that even if this difficult adoption process shatters my heart all over again, that He can restore it. Just like He did last time.

And looking up to Heaven, He sighed and said to him, “Ephphatha”, that is, “Be opened.” Mark 7:34

Our God is Good. His plans for us are Good. I’ve found that in every way this broken world has tried to break me, God has instead reshaped me. Perhaps it’s just that I’m older now then when we began this journey, perhaps it’s as my good friend said today that I’ve simply seen more of the world at this point. Either way, God has continuously shown Himself faithful to me. In every pain, He has brought Grace. He has shown me that there is no pain too deep that He cannot take our hands and cause us to rise above. He keeps opening my heart wider and He keeps raising the stakes higher. He calls us to lay down our dreams and the ways we think things should be, and He opens us up to things greater than we could have possibly imagined: faith, hope, love, grace, and restoration. He opens us up to more of Heaven, to more of Him.

He is not a God of sinking ships. He is a God who causes us to continuously look up toward Him, because that is where the beauty is at. We feel it as we look to the tops of church steeples and to the tip tops of towering autumn trees. We feel it as we lift our hands to Heaven in worship and praise. The beauty and the Joy and the Hope and the Peace, it’s all with Him who causes us to rise above, who causes us to Rise up closer to Him.

No pain can take Him away from us.

 

 

Grace Under Pressure: The Force of Pressure Unseen 


Dear Reader, 

I was in the shower this morning when I noticed my anniversary ring, the one my husband gave me last year during our trip to the Black Hills, felt different on my finger. I thought maybe it had twisted funny. I’ve worn it everyday for over a year, and though it’s been exposed to the heat of the shower daily, it has never been subjected to any known type of pressure or force. Which is why I found myself in shock when I realized it had somehow become bent so badly that I could barely pry it off of my finger. I tried to bend it back by running it under steaming hot water, thinking maybe the steam from the shower had caused it to bend in the first place, but it wouldn’t budge and I couldn’t get it to regain its former shape. All these weeks I’ve been searching for words to write. I’ve been feeling like the well had run dry and for some reason, God had stopped speaking to me through this way that He seemingly always has. But this ring this morning caused me to realize that the silence I have been experiencing is not unexplainable. There have been pressures unseen bearing down on my soul that I simply had not noticed. They hid themselves behind my earthly worrying and exhaustion and when God caused me to open my eyes to them, I was made aware that once again nothing is without purpose. I was made aware that if I feel God has become silent in my life it is not because He has chosen not to speak, but it is instead because the enemy has found a way to cause me not to listen through the force of pressures unseen which cause what I see to become warped and different from what God intends. Those pressures make me feel like the pieces of this life God has given me won’t fit back together. What unseen spiritual pressures are taking hold of your life? God says that nothing which comes into the Light stays hidden. Perhaps the only way to know what is hiding and holding our souls back from deeper relationship with God is to simply ask God to illuminate what we can’t see. I let the pressures of isolation and anxiety and worry overshadow the power of Hope and Grace and Purpose. God has Good things for you. Allow Him to light up your dark spaces where the hard things hide.

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

40 Days of Prayer: Conversations With The King Day 40


Dear Reader, 

40 days have gone by in the blink of an eye. Half way through, I wasn’t sure I could finish. The enemy surely hit me full force in his efforts to keep me from focusing on really speaking to my Heavenly Father through out the entirety of this series. But here is what I have learned, and I hope you’ve learned too: I can never be as faithful to my Father as He is to me. Prayer is surrender, laying every thought and every plan and every desire into the palms of His hands. Stepping back is what God asks of me once I ask Him to step in. He is the joy giver, the truth bringer, the hope maker, the Grace gifter. Maybe you witnessed a miracle over the course of these 40 days, or maybe your miracle was that God changed something in you. Every plan I had for this series was broken and yet molded by God into something new and better. If I can say anything about what all this time in real and focused and intentional conversation with my Father in the throne room of Heaven has done for me, it’s that it has caused me to know Him better and to trust Him all the more. He has seen my brokenness and yet He hears my voice. Every plan I lay will break, but every moment He weaves will serve a purpose forever. Friends, thank you for praying alongside me and for letting me know how God has been working in you. He gets all the glory, and all my days He will get all my prayers. May His face shine upon you, friends. May you know Him better with every passing hour. 

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

40 Days of Prayer: Conversations With The King Day 39 


Dear Reader, 

I’ve been thinking over all of the contradictory prayers I’ve prayed in the course of my life. There were times that I prayed God would answer quickly, or before a certain date, but also prayed that God’s will be done. There were times I prayed for situations to come to pass, but afterwards realized it wasn’t what I wanted and then prayed for the reversal of such things. I take one step forward towards surrendering my will to God, but then soon after find myself standing three steps back in my disbelief. The Grace of all of this is that Jesus keeps interceding for us, that the Holy Spirit knows what it is our heart needs, and they relay that to the Father. There are times we pray for things that we don’t understand. But God always understands. I have found moments of Grace in prayers that I thought had gone unanswered or that had been answered with a “no”. Looking back, I can see the beauty of God at work even in the heights of my disappointment. There is great importance in praying “Thy will be done”. Even Jesus prayed this in the garden of Gethsemane when He requested that the cup He was about to drink, death and betrayal, would pass. Even then, He prayed it. Even then He surrendered to God, and in His surrender saved our very souls. We can ask for hard things to pass. Scripture plainly shows that God is able to crumble our mountains and miraculously heal our ailments and bring back to life what we thought was dead. But it must be His will that accomplishes this and not our own, because the truth of it is that we know not what we ask. We see in part, but He sees the whole. Prayer allows us to become witnesses to the will of God. We ask and we see Him answer. He speaks and we hear His voice. Each answered prayer is a testimony to His Grace and power, and every “no” He utters is a moment of Mercy as He delivers instead what is best and what is Good. We will make mistakes, even in our prayers. But God never once makes a mistake in His answers toward us. We can trust that how He answers is perfect, even if it seems hard or inconvenient or not what we had hoped. Our Father knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows each chapter that is needed in our lives.

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

40 Days of Prayer: Conversations With The King Day 38 


Dear Reader, 

I write to you out of reflection from this week gone by, filled with both blessing and burden. It appears to me that life is in fact a balancing act, as they say. The blessings pour in and the provision stands evident and yet at the same time there are hard things which remind us that our crosses still feel heavy even as our hearts can feel the freedom Christ has brought to them. With every prayer I’ve prayed over these last 38 days, I have indeed seen God move. His movement has not always been in the direction I had hoped, but it has always been for good. But Good doesn’t mean easy, and I am learning that is the way of Grace filled things. They are often heavy and yet at the same time miraculous. What have been your blessings and burdens this past week? What has God shown you that you must pick up and what has He asked you to set down? With each day I’ve prayed I’ve begun to see God more clearly. He has shown up in my questioning. He has been present in my uncertainty. He has led me to seek hard things and has challenged me to face those things with Grace. Hard weeks also harbor hard fought blessings. There is blessing even in your burdens. And even as we ask and continue to see blessing after blessing, as long as we are in this world we will experience the hard effects of the burden of brokenness alongside those blessings. Jesus never promised this world would be easy, but He promised that what He fought for was worth it. He promises we never go alone. He promises that we are heard by our Father because of Him. And all of this is Grace. All of this gives Hope. And all He does for us breathes Life into these wearied bones and these tired souls. He is the one thing needed, and that is why I bow my head and fold my hands and always always look to find His blessing in the burdens. Because He stands for me and He stands for you and His love will move all our mountains and His heart will always beat with Hope for us. And this is Grace, that while we were still in our sins Christ died for us, and while we are still living in this broken world He lives for us too. Your prayers are heard by a Living Savior and a real God.

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

40 Days of Prayer: Conversations With The King Days 36 & 37 


Dear Reader, 

Yesterday, I prayed hard for a really specific situation that was taking place. I was certain that if I had enough confidence that God would answer, and that He would answer in the way I had hoped. I was sure that what I was praying for would happen, even though it made absolutely no sense and was so completely unlikely. Yet, I could feel it in my bones, that this time God was going to come through in a miraculous way. Instead, what I so desperately wanted didn’t happen. I felt foolish. Like all my faith had really just been an inflated self ego and that because I dared to hope, God had to bend. I believe God is Good. His word says that if we ask Him in faith, we shall receive. But perhaps this generation, and myself, has misunderstood His sentiment here. Today, we ask for things and we expect an immediate response, not only from God but from technology and other people in our lives. We can’t let a day go by without responding to that Facebook notification or without posting an update on Instagram, and because that is how we are wired, we expect God to react in accordance to what we are used to. But His ways aren’t our ways, and His thoughts aren’t our thoughts. That doesn’t mean that His ways or thoughts work against us. Instead, they work so deeply because of His love for us that what He freely gives will take the time that it so desperately deserves in order to be done right. He doesn’t rush production to meet our deadlines. He doesn’t skip out on writing a chapter in order to hurry up and tell us how something will end. No. On this earth we are time bound beings, and the creator of time itself won’t work against the beautiful way He has created us and has designed our stories. Our testimonies depend on the timing of God, and the way He weaves that time holds all the Grace. We can pray for specific things or specific moments, but God works for specific purpose. That purpose is that we would see, and know, and understand His love for us and His power in our lives better. Keep praying. But also keep surrendering to Him. Keep surrendering time to Him. In earnest prayer we approach His throne and at just the right time He makes His Glory known to us.

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

40 Days of Prayer: Conversations With The King Days 34 & 35 


Dear Reader, 

Lately when I pray God has been speaking to me about trust. What does it mean to let go and let God? I often think I’ve surrendered to His will, but then God keeps working on my heart and peeling away at more and more layers that I didn’t even realize existed, and with each layer He pulls away I find that my grip is still fixed tight on things I thought I had let go of. God knows me better than I know myself. That’s a new realization for me, but I used to think I always knew that. God not only knows what’s best, but He knows me best. How beautiful is it that our Father God cares and loves us so much that He has made it His business to know us better than we know ourselves. How beautiful is it that throughout time He continues to grow us and continues to reveal more to us not only about His heart but also our own? He makes beautiful things. Can we trust Him with that tonight? Maybe as we walk through these last five days of continuous prayer, continuous real conversation with the king of Heaven, we can learn to trust Him more and to trust more about what He has revealed about us through our time with Him. We can let Him mold us, even if it’s hard and it hurts because we can trust His intentions for us and we can trust that He is wholly Good. His Goodness is directed at us. We’re the ones He came to save. We’re the ones who can walk this life Brave because of what He has done and what He will always and forever create for us and in us. God is beautiful, and so is everything He so lovingly molds by His hand and breathes to Life with His breath. 

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

40 Days of Prayer: Conversations With The King Days 32 & 33


Dear Reader, 

I wandered into these 40 Days of Prayer hoping to experience a miracle. We are in the waiting stages of adoption and I had secretly hoped God would show up within these 40 days in a mighty way. That maybe by the end I would have a testimony of how God finally built our family, or something along those lines. To be honest these 40 days have been rough. That’s not to say that God has not shown up. I can feel Him working in reverse on my heart, the ways I thought He would work being turned inside out. He has used the small moments to remind me He is listening, and the absence of the physical presence of the desires of my heart have held me in captivation of His every word, knowing only He can provide what I need. He is speaking to me in many ways, though I admit not specifically about what I had hoped He would. So how do you keep praying when it feels like what you want is at the mercy of your God? You pray for what you need, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. Until all those prayerful moments amount to years and all those years amount to a living testimony in which you can proclaim, God has provided. We live in a world of want, but Jesus came to supply all our needs. I hang on to the hope that God hears our most desperate prayers, like those of Hannah as she prayed for her child. He knows what we want, but He wants to give us what we need because He can see how everything intertwines and how every prayer will play out into eternity. In a world of instant gratification, we must come to understand the eternity of our God. What if all of our Bible heroes had every one of their prayers instantly answered? How different would things have turned out? What if God had let Moses give up right when He was called to from the burning bush? What if Mary hadn’t said “Lord, be it as you say” to carrying the Savior of the world? What if Abraham was granted Issac immediately? Would we have understood how serious God is or how He loves us throughout time? We would have missed out on all of their testimonies. So tonight I pray for peace to surrender. Picking up a cross looks nothing like getting all I ever wanted. But the weight of Christ’s glory makes it beautiful.

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer 

How to Love: Grace When We Don’t Understand 


Dear Reader, 

We love butterflies specifically for their many colors, and yet when it comes to the many beautiful colors of people we find barriers. We see “difference” as something to fear, instead of to praise God for. We see it with many things. We see the harsh criticisms across denominational lines of what we as Christians “should” believe, but the truth there should be simple. As Christians we “should” believe in the Bible as sole truth. However, ask Christians from different denominations and they will explain that truth differently. We can’t agree, even on something as simple as what is truth. If we elevate this to the color of the people in this world, we find the same holds true. Everyone believes the answer is simple, to love. But it would appear that what love looks like is understood differently by many. My husband and I are hoping to adopt our first child, and friends, I have no idea what race our baby will be. But I want them to know they are loved by us fully. I fear for how they may perceive “love” in this world. The “truth” spoken “in love” by this world is often not truth at all, but hatred dressed up in sheep’s clothing. Every single person has great worth, great beauty, great potential to love one another. But we must seek out how to love. What does it mean to love someone who is different than us? It means to speak up when the world has lost its mind and its heart. It means to be humbled and admit when we’ve been wrong or when we’ve been unable to understand. In order to love deeply, we must begin to understand where we have gone wrong and how we can do better. How can we understand what we have done if we never speak to those we have hurt with our silence or with our wrong words? God’s love is so much deeper than the surface love we often offer other people. Saying there is no problem simply means we can’t see the problem. It’s like closing our eyes in the midst of a tragedy and saying the commotion is nothing serious. To love our neighbor takes humility not condescension. To love our neighbor takes real conversation and real concern. Wherever you stand, don’t stand for hatred. Love, and learn what love means. We’re all learning together. Apart we fail.

In Him, 

A Fellow Grace Wanderer